It abnormal to be up at this hour during an examination week. An owl I am, up at this time my eyes refuse to allow me peace. Sigh.

Sat by the pond till one just now, from half past midnight. It was pleasant really, for the pond was already cleaned up and fishes are now swimming in it. The splashes of the fountain made such a melancholic melody, it almost sounded like a sad lullaby. I need some peace of mind, major cramming sessions are just taking its toll already. I think my brain nearly shut down just now.

That's it. I officially screwed my life up with my dumbness. I don't even think any baby milk powder could cure this stupidity.

"... That this words were mine, to say to you till the ends of time..."

ofblack&white
1:17 AM

PROMOS STARTS TOMORROW.


Ok that's just for the sake of scaring myself, or maybe other SRJCians who cared to drop by. Lucnh before consultation, enjoyable. :) With someone revealing my sexy poses to someone else. That someone else also paiseh come up from the wrong escalator. So my doubts on Economics was slightly cleared. Not all of my doubts, for I wasn't sure of what I do not know. I tried to do Math afer and I realised I will forget how to do, for example, my M.I if I didn't practice within four days. Yes I am that hopeless thank you.

I had a bad dream just now, about Aisyah (no offence to her) and TPJC. I don't know. Somehow it got me work harder for what I wanted. Somehow, as my good friend put it, it might be some kind of... 'sending' from God to get me work towards what I want to keep in the future, what I cared for. It felt dumb, the dream I mean.

So tomorrow is the start of the ever-important promotionals. Time for some reflections hey? SRJC has been my school for about six months already. I've already settled down. I have moved on. But sometimes, I felt that I kept going back. I should stop, no? For in the past it is where you learn from your mistakes, not dwell there forever. I seemed to be doing the wrong thing. Maybe in SRJC I have felt accepted, but I haven't learnt to trust. I shall one day learn to do that there. I did made new friends there that made it seem worth it to get promoted, and see their smiling faces next year, where we can go through the A levels together. I don't know. I'd do anything to move on, and have fresh memories to cherish. I sound so fucking gay lol. But I'll only do this once a year, so spare me. Toiling through this six months, buckets' worth of sweat tears laughter boiled down to this one exam: And if I don't get through this I'll be as good as the dirt and slime on the ground, maybe even worse, for my pride would be punctured like flat tyres, and of course, it wouldn't do my heart justice would it? Lol so conclusion: Get through this, girl. So you won't be broken by the end of it. Easier said no? Gotta work hard.

HAPPY 17TH BIRHTDAY TO ADILAH!

Tata for now. Best to all going through this Promo. :]

ofblack&white
7:23 PM

Procrastinator is about the word that describes me. I woke up in the morning, think of what I can do. So I go "ah shucks lets play a game to get me warming up" And i dragged my game till hell... 10am. Where did my self-discipline go? Am I going to be a slave to this machine infront of me that reboots incessantly? Sheesh. i felt pathetic.

So off to tuition I went and I came back with teeth marks on my fingers, for the supposedly-sweet Afifah nearly tore my fingers out. Maybe I shouldn't have provoked her. APGP floats back up from the drain, and maybe that is another topic I can save. My History is going in all four directions; I don't know where I am headed for. SUCKS.

Qis went to the doctor earlier in the day, and hurled vulgarities at my window and I didn't know why. It turned out that she had gotten measles, and wasn't happy about it. She didn't blame me, and when I see her mad with her antics it got me laughing.

Ili: "You sure you don't need me to visit you or something? I thought you might get lonely."
Qis: "No its ok. You might get it. And I got these fucking measles to get angry with."

Lol. teachers are such a pain in the neck. Mr Tan rescheduled the consultation time again, and now it will start at 1 and end at 2.30. I was slightly miffed, for Qing asked me out for lunch. Argh. I still hope i can see him sometime tomorrow, missing my friend loads. Well, if anyone spoils next Tuesday, I'll promise broken necks.

I found this saying, and it does get me pondering again.
"An honest person might not be someone whom you trust, and someone you trust might not be an honest person at all."
Why can you trust someone who isn't honest? Because they are your good friend and you know them inside-out?
Beats me. I've gotta start working. Tata.

ofblack&white
6:24 PM

So I gave up trying to study at home, for it was as hopeless as a penguin flying. Went to school to mug, but lo behold I got hungry. Mayyee couldn't have lunch with me, so broken-heartedly I called the rest of my dudes.
Maybe it wasn't my day, for Qing ends at five, Michtan had to study for her promos (good luck btw), the mjcians are in school, Qis is down with a bad rash, the SPians are having exam week, Farn had to accompany her grandma to get dentures, Ivy was still croaking at eleven and had to go to school later and Ilyana was fasting.

Maybe I felt suddenly lonely, so I just chanced upon Naz and gotten free lunch over her place. Studied. It was fairly productive, I got to finish up a quarter of the French Revolution. My itch was getting on my nerves so i stripped down and borrowed Naz's skimpy top. I was dangling my bra in her face and she laughed as hard as a hyena. Come to 4 o'clock and she went downstairs to get us some chocolate ice-cream, using my money of course. She made a fucking mess out of it, I was in hysterics. I threw her some nonsensical phrases from the FR book like "The king became more and more impotent" or "Marie Antoinette was put on trial for selling out on the country, and for teaching her son how to masturbate." Maybe those kind of facts did made us History students wild. Well, maybe not.

I walked in the rain finally, and it felt nice to feel the raindrops on my cheeks like hard cold tears. These days passed like a dream, I felt like I watched it passed by from another's point of view. I feel weird while walking home, for I looked down and thought of everything, and I thought of nothing. Maybe I have grown to understand something, yet I know nothing at all.
it felt empty. maybe I'm missing you very much, maybe I don't. I'll have to ask God about it.

'For once given life we must die...'

ofblack&white
6:08 PM

Tis love; these pictures are. Taken on Monday on the depressed-seventeen-year-old's birthday.

001: The flirt machine on the left, and the noisy loud one on the right. (cute in the middle LOL)
002: Indirect kiss. Still a kiss anyway.
003: Birthday Cake I blew my cash on
004: Sexy legs. guess who belongs to who!
005: More girlfriends.
006: Qis' old clique.
007: Qj was NOT suppose to be shy. NOT SUPPOSE TO.
008: If you wanna act cute, don't use this pose by Ivy as an example.
The other two pictures are beautiful. I'm not a TKNP, so my face wont be on one of them.

Hennyway was feeling uber bored. Studying wasn't my forte to begin with, and I feel hopelessly unproductive at home. I'm going school tomorrow to study. Believe it, I think its more condusive there.

FOUR MORE DAYS. ARGH. X(

ofblack&white
11:14 PM

Ah. I should be studying, five more days till start of the Promos. But what was i to do? I found my old cd of last year's pictures and of course it brought back elephants of memories. :) I saw other images too, and it made my heart cry, for I yearned and I got back nothing. Past poems and odes were found too, and there's a very very very nice one on Friendship. Shall post it later if I remember.I even found my old Glenn Lewis song from Maid in Manhattan.

Qis accused me for passing her the itch, but lemme ask you: I only met you on Monday. The itch came yesterday. And the people in my school weren't scratching themselves silly like monkeys. Conclusion? I didn't pass it to you. Hahaha... Funny girl. Bet she's scratching herself crazy right now. Calamine lotion helps yah? Matin called a while ago if i wanna study out with him. Lol. I didn't manage to study much at home, much less outside. Sorry.

And sometimes I don't know what these words that came out mean. Sometimes it felt so detached from me. Like now. I say things I don't understand myself. My friends must've been the greatest crytographers.

The world's a great mystery yet to be fully discovered.

ofblack&white
4:41 PM

Calamine lotion is my salvation. This itch could've drive me insane at night. Lol. Went to the doctor yesterday in between classes and had a wonderful chat with an Indian lady about religion, whatever we could think of. She was definitely nice. :)

The medication (or exhaustion) killed me for 10 hours and i woke up recalling the horrible nightmare and a thumping headache. To top it off guilt sank in because I didn't get to study last night. Argh...


Didn't do too badly for the Econs quiz. Dicky('s jacket) saved me from turning into a popsicle. My mouth went on fire after few mouthfuls of sambal belacan, I'd swear it could melt the Artic. These days were slightly hilarious with me trying to be superwoman, saving people from emotional misery. I failed of course. Some of the people I er... tried saving squirmed her heart out yesterday and another one er... wanna cry or laughed as she ran to er... safety today. Lol.
Tuition was fruitful.

I wonder why sometimes when I say something I mean it, people take it as a joke. Maybe the world isn't serious enough. But at least I said those words, and I don't regret it. Lol.
Anyway for Matin; don't worry so much, push your troubles away for the mo and CONCENTRATE ON YOUR PROMOS.

Take care people.

ofblack&white
8:19 PM

Seemed to be blogging quite. It makes me better I guess? Lol. It was still an itchy day. Those ticks morphed to some gigantic lice. I dunno how to discribe it. It itched everywhere. Ah. The day was like any other day; twas slightly better though, for teachers were dropping exam hints the size of elephants. I could even predict one question for History SEA paper. You needn't a clairvoyant to forsee that. I went dead in PW. The OP is super freaky lah. The snippets of video clips I manage to catch before sleeping was... scary. Those people were so awesome in presneting. EE quality. Hell. How am I suppose to be so clear in speech? =.=

Decided to drop by Popular at Kovan. Dragged Rachel along. Spent like 10.05$ on three pen refillers, two much-needed lead sets and a purple pen. Its really too much, prices are as high as Eiffel. I haven't even gotten a liquid paper. Grr. had lunch at mac and many gossips. Rushed back for Econs remedial. Jasmeen was laughing at everything Mr Tan said, and i actually told Mr Tan that Rachel thought he looked corny. Lol. He took it well.

I want to go the doc. NOW. Lately it seemed that I could bother to let go of somethings. And it made me feel better. Thanks God.

ofblack&white
6:10 PM

"Walking in
an empty street
with tear-stained cheeks.

Dragging feet
I pondered deep,
how long's it been?
months or weeks?

I dug my soul
its out of reach,
I pondered deep.
Would you care to see?
What's been scarring me?

I pondered deep.
Who'd answer these?
For I stand alone,
in this empty street,
with tear-stained cheeks.

"World's big and cruel," says he.
And now I'm left alone,
in this empty street
waiting for
eternal sleep. "

Not my best, but it was a spur-of-the-mo thing.
Come to think of it, been months since I wrote any lately. Such an inspirtational Sept, after months of hibernation. Artistic block, they say. Lol.

ofblack&white
12:31 AM

Now I know how the cats feel when they have ticks. Itches have been plaguing me the whole day. I feel so harassed, and to top it off my eyes were as usual giving me a helluva time. Struggled to stay awake. Felt as limp rag doll in the library and slept through a whole period. Its enough to drive me up the pyramids. Everything is driving me crazy, so please don't say I'm so cheerful in school. I'm just doing so to distract myself from this demented mind.

Did summation notation and mathematical induction. I was immensely enlightened and I left feeling like Galileo after he discovered the stars.

And I still feel horribly harassed and itchy and just bad-tempered because I just hate the itchy feeling that is slowly spreading. ARGH. Can i just kill me. Earlier in the day I was inspired by... something and wrote a poem. I shall post it here later.

I HATE FEELING LIKE I'M HAVING TICKS ALL OVER MY BODY. X(

ofblack&white
9:54 PM

My mind seemed to run loose, it made me delirious. Laughter filled my lungs through the day, and by the end I felt weak. Had a fun time torturing the hell out of the ant by pressing her bruise. It kinda helps actually. To cure I mean. The day went crazy for me. A malay test I didn't know about till five minutes before (the full paper2), having a maddening time trying to stay awake during the test itself, and my lungs took a battering after laughing so hard at Syahril's antics. Mimic the ant and her funny squeakings. Hugged Rachel over pity :) PE relaxation wasn't much of a relaxation. Reminisced till it seared my eyes.

Rushed off without making so much of a creak in the dance studio, hurried to Tampines for a special someone. Bus jam made me cursed 2404987 times. Everything was in place, perfect. My one-week long plans weren't of waste. Qis was surprised, but sadly, she didn't cry. =.= Plied her with the many gifts and the cake.

Dinner at LJS. Funny to see all 12 (I think) girls squeezing in a row. I was slightly odd out of all the NP girls (except for Azi). Photos all around and we sang another embarrasing round of Happy Birthday to Qis. Cake was cut. Cake's on me. Haha... It was worth it lah. See everybody's smiling face, especially miss gloomy-i've-turned-seventeen's face. Stepped outside and more photos, and had a big group hug. Lol. And hugs went around now. I manage to hug everybody, even those I'm not that close to, like Lishan Aisy Qj haha. Miss them all. I miss Ivy and Fana and Yats and Qis espesh. Twas a nice day, to see that smile on a supposedly-gloomy-day for her. ;)

Happy Birthday again. <3

ofblack&white
10:50 PM

I went to the beach again yesterday and burnt my legs and arms in the process. It was so hot, it could melt an iceberg. I built sky-scraping sandcastles again. With orphans in tow. Somewhat attached to one of them, a very sweet girl who keeps searching for her wandering 'brothers' like Mary searching for her lambs. So responsible, and she's only 14. Orphans, or abandoned by their parents.
Now I'm reminded. Haha... I used to like an orphan too.

Hennyways it rained like showers today. I spent the afternoon appreciating it. Guilt just washed me over and I was glued to Econs for all of two hours. Maybe a bit more, give me credit will you? Lol. Bean the Movie gave me the laughs that I needed, been sucha long time since I watched it.

I came back to the com and my dear friend was being pissed. I swear if anyone spoils her day tomorrow, I'm gonna come and fucking break your neck. Alright? Lol.

I realised I'm quite behind with my revision schedule. And I'm in no mood to do anything about it. Ha. The hours flew so fast I could barely keep track. Sigh. My eyes. Again. They aren't cooperating. It grew dimmer, and things flicker. They felt so sore. Sigh.

School tomorrow, like no other. I have to settle something inside first. It kept bickering with me. And if I could kill it I would. But could you kill conscience and lust?

ofblack&white
10:23 PM

Randomness is the bug. It's always frustrating when you can't get the attention of THE one. Or when their attention is diverted to something else. I always longed to kill the something else that distracts. But what was I to do? Their interest at heart... Lol. Remember. I promised myself. Lol.

Who said I wasn't random?

I wanna lay you down on the bed of roses...
-bonjovi

ofblack&white
10:23 PM

Haven't got to touch on my blog for all of... two days. Finally able to play some basketball after a century of not playing it. Brought back memories lol. On Thursday, Miss Latha killed my ear with her voice. She lectures well no doubt, but her voice is just so overwhelming. Next time she lectures, I shall bring tissues to wipe the blood away. And stuff them into my ears. The dentist killed my teeth the previous day, and i haven't been able to eat in school. But in the end I grabbed a bowl of fishball noodles. Oh joy I ate everything... except the fishballs. Its like eating an emptied apple pie.

The joys Fridays bring. I was so sleepy I dozed off. Very unbecoming of me, for I always try not to sleep during class. Ah. Someone is just frying my wires, and it will get slap very soon. I fasted for the day. Not a big deal since the dentist have killed my teeth. Slept like a dead fish in the bus, and Heiwai did too. Naz was just buried in the book, crying with it. Had nearly half an hour before tuition so I went over to Naz's and... Sleep. It was nice finally sleeping with pillows instead of hands. It was fruitful, tuition is.

Went to mosque at night and thought of a wonderful beautifully constructed message that 'perked' Rachel up. It was sent to Mayyee Hq and Michlai too. I wonder if they're basking in the beauty of it. LOL.

Please don't kill me.

ofblack&white
10:55 AM

Finally the sun shone on me after days of storm. Ah. We are civilised here at home, and spoke as if nothing happened. School was bearable, fun if I could say so. Math test on vectors was totally uncalled for, there isn't any warning about that coming. Unlike Katrina. I am so careless than (-1) times 4 is 5. Shucks. At this rate I'd rather be electrocuted than see my test scripts getting a negative mark with all the concepts right but having careless mistakes. Its even hard to copy a question properly! =.=

Was glued to crosswords. Must unglue myself. Haha Mayyee Rach and Lor helped out. With wrong answers sometimes. If there really happens to be a misunderstanding (Rachel schould understand) I will have to bring a disinfectant all around school. Shucks. Maybe I'd chop it up and chuck it in every reservoir.

Poems and odes came to me, and I became a seer. I wrote one yesterday, and its just random. To no particular person whatsoever.

"I can see you clearly,
Even through closed eyes.
I can see your face,
Etched deeply in my mind.

I can hear you breathing
Even when i blocked my ears.
I can hear your silky voice
That dissipate my fears.

I can feel your velvet skin
With every single touch.
And the warmth that emanate
Which makes you good to clutch.

I can smell your strong cologne
That wafted to my senses.
I can clearly scent you close
Even when I'm tensed.

I can taste your salty tears
When you start to crumble.
Drops of sweat caressed my lips
Whenever you start to fumble."

Erm... on senses. Goes out to anybody.
Zzz.
Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become...

ofblack&white
10:05 PM

The worse night I've had. Nothing went right for me yesterday. Not at home not outside. I was seriously ready to fly down 11 storeys but faith kept me here. Horrible fight at 1 and I was landed a bruised jaw. Ha such a fucktard. Couldn't sleep. My eyes didn't grow heavy, and my anger didn't simmer down, but finally it did. At four. And i have all of an hour and a half of sleep. Pure madness.

Class photo-taking. I was feeling devoid still. Flying fishes couldn't have entertained me. I tried to act normal. Ha. I was avoiding, for raging and screaming in school wasn't my cup of tea, though I longed to try it. I fused with the table on Math. My body felt like sacks of rice.

If only it rained today. Then I can walked in it knowing that the tears surpressed at long last could flow freely, without awkward questions. Walk alone, and let the turmoil rest. If it ever will. Would it be better to be blind and see nothing at all, or to be given sight and see everything?

Let's get on with Life. Will revise Econs tonight.
That is, if I can get my sleep now.
Tata.

ofblack&white
5:43 PM

I have been running away from Hazel these days, mainly because she is chasing me. Ha. Twas a productive day, for Math was all I did. Through out this week poor Michlai was haunted by my desperate phonecalls with me half to tears asking for help for Math. It was quite hilarious. I'd swear I call her more often than I would call my boyfriend (if I have one in the first place).

The morning started of with me doing totally nothing, logged on to friendster, saw something that I shouldn't have because I don't want to fucking know, and get cranky. I shall have to thank Qis for calming the tidal wave in me. That rage kinda gotten me into some Mathematical-frenzy. Don't ask. it's weird. I know. But it somehow got me working.

Promise me, that you won't change much, anyone who read this... Espesh my close people. Mich Qis Fana Yats Ivy Zel Rach Qing Mat Zw Lc anybody... I don't want to lose you. I think one is gone... Few months can changed someone alot, beyond recognition. It got me scared.
And in the end I'll be alone again.
I think I'm catching Qis' paranoia. Well. Paranoia can be good for health. I guess.

ofblack&white
10:35 PM

I came home with a barrel for a tummy. Pizza Hut was dinner, and pizzas tasted so good, especially when you washed it down with nice icy cold coke. Ate the cheesy-licious lava pizza? I think that's what it is called. Stuff-crusted with 3 different cheese. I was in heaven for a moment. The heavenly drumlets didn't help me get back to Earth.

Anyway there's a Japanese artist for Manga class. Humorous, for she spoke no English, and we of course spoke no Japanese, and a rusty translator was the best we could get. Honestly it was funny to see us climbing the communication barrier that was set between us. But apparently the interest to draw prevails? Haha... Inoue students like me were joined by some sec 2 Beatty students who were interested, and their teacher was nice enough to facilitate them.

So the artist, Yoko-sensei, was a marvel at drawing. She brought part of her portfolio and showed us. She actually drew her art on A3 paper before sending it to printing. No wonder they can draw so many details into their comics. I was amazed lah. Her drawing somewhat belittled mine. :) But she praised me! Haha... She said my character was kakkuii (cool), and original, and if I could draw it as her boyfriend she would be glad! Roflmao. I was proud of my drawing. She made me feel rich, for she supplied us with those specially-for-comic-drawing paper, which in Kino would've cost S$7+ for a small stack. Gosh. She even lend me the brush pen and copic markers. I was honoured. :) It was so interesting, I wished Yoko-sensei could come again. Her companion is a seiyyuu (voice-actress) and could impersonate a cat better than me! Haha! She can sound like a small boy. And she's a mangaka too! Awesome no? Helena Celine and me were just gawking all the way.

The young lord ask, "Where will I find words to say what I feel in my heart?"
"The deepest feelings are impossible to express in words. They can only be hinted at."
"Then it is hopeless," the young lord said. "No one will understand me, and I will understand no one."
"That is not so. Those who are closest to you will know you best by what you do not say, and you will know them in the same way."

How could I be gentle, were you not harsh, soft were you not hard?

ofblack&white
10:20 PM

It was news that a head was found at Orchard MRT, along with her arms and legs, in a blue sports bag. As much as I would like to feign nonchalance, disturbing thoughts float in. Ha. I was glad that it wasn't some act of terror, for whom do those heathens out there blame but Muslims. They seemed to have such limited knowledge of one's religion, in this diverse country. We should have inter-religion study.

My priority is not on misunderstanding what I believe in, don't be mistaken. It's selfishly for myself. It is anti-Muslim/Malay (I still don't know how they can mix those two up) sentiments that I fear. I have doubts about the security that this country gave us since 1969.

Sometimes it got me thinking why murderers in Singapore love to chuck victims in plastic bags all nice chopped up like butchers with their meat. Can't they burn the corpse? It's much easier to hide it. Lol. Singapore's getting crankier by the day, and I'm definitely migrating away.

Am I cursed with a sharp tongue, for it seems that I often spoke without thinking, and it always convey the wrong message. My words are always contrary to what my heart feels, and it hurts the people I loved/loves. For what it may seem, I am heartless, but know that I'm human and mistakes are part and parcel of me. Sorry... =(

Ah. I hate to be reminded of the 1 A.M talk with someone. Yes. It showed the bad apple in her. Yes it showed how poly had changed her. But whenever I slipped into reveries of last year, I find it hard to imagine such transformation.
sigh. Don't worry my friend... I will pray for your well-being.

ofblack&white
10:45 PM

I was taken aback when my brother actually made me a cheese biscuit. Its simple to make, just slice a cedge of cheese and sandwiched it between crispy Ritz. But the act itself touched me. Sigh. I should've been graceful to him, but he kept teasing me, what was I to do?

Contemplating whether to cook magee mee now. I'm hungry, and breakfast would be the nearest meal. I'll be up at least till 2. Argh. Maybe I'll just eat at four again. =.= I know it is weird, but it's my life. At least I'll be home tomorrow to sleep. I just need to complete Math. Yes. You are reading it right.

It's getting out of hand. Lol. Oh yah, I need to file me things up. My room is like an office without the secretary. And like the Swiss Alps too. Open the wrong cupboard, there'd bound to be an avalanche of books and papers. =.=
Good God. I fell without realising it. Oh no...

ofblack&white
4:00 PM

Alright. I woke up at four today. It's weird. Don't ask. I don't need people to point that out to me. So I went to school (again) for extra OPTIONAL History lessons. Must of course, stress on that word. I surprised myself by attending the class. Anyway Mr Stephen Tay came back today to teach us all on SouthEast Asia, and he enlightened me very much. I finally saw the whole picture for this topic, and I must say it wasn't really THAT complicated. Only the Political Centralisation parts are a bit.. complicated in terms of the er... terminology. Blahs. He did gave hints by the way. And I'm not sharing thank you.

Reached home at 2, and I had a much-needed sleep till four. Played Literati till now, need to warm my brains up. Starting on Math History Economics soon. I realised I'm only very productive in learning when the sky is inky blue. We should have night classes. I love it when it's dark. Except when those demons of my dreams bother me again.

Oiling my brains does keep me busy. I love to be busy, for it left me with no time to sit dwindle and think. And I hate to think for it always led to unnecessary thoughts, which disturbed me very much. Ah. The joys of studying. =.=

ofblack&white
4:23 PM

Those demons struck me again at four in the morning. And whisper they did, into my ears, filthy words and this time, I saw a hagard-looking woman by the fan, and a white-clad one praying. I closed my eyes and tried to break out of it once more. It took me long, but at least they didn't whisper anymore. I have to do something about this, maybe there's something wrong with me. Is my faith not enough to ward them away...? Hm.

Anyway the GP test was MJ's past year promo paper. I could do it, so it should be very easy to the rest. I'm $23.80 poorer than yesterday, had to get a calculator (which I lost 2 years ago) and a notebook to keep my Math practices in place. I went to a faaar away Popular for that, for I couldn't make up my mind in time, but no hassle.

Why do people (especially the ant) have bad timing when they called me. For instance today, I was about pay Sleep back, when Mayyee just had to call in the morning. And there was Qis. I was having a wonderful dream and she just had to call in the afternoon. Sigh, no wonder Sleep hates me. I kept interrupting him. And after I was interrupted, i always couldn't sleep back. Sigh.

My hands itch to do more Math, after two whole hours of it. And it itched to slap Rachelwong for teasing me about.... . Yah. Lol. I shall be an owl. Even if I'm deprived of sleep, as least I will be able to fly to some faraway place and forget.

Oh...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR FARHANA. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
May God bless you always. Have a great year, and don't get too friendly alright. Love you always.

ofblack&white
9:54 AM

It was like any normal day, it started off as fine as a bee, with me stoned, for sleep was something I missed last night. I owe Sleep alot right now, probably 14 hours or more? Who knows. History mugging sessions were never fair, not to me.

But it did pay off, I guess. Delirious smiles. Thoughts made me happy in the morning. Delifranced for lunch, with Zul. Walked all around PS chatting our lives away and walked till Takashimaya. My height, yet again, was ridiculed. So you're a head taller. Fine. And I did some practices on Math. Those specimen papers ought to be burnt as offerings to the Devil.

And guilt raped me, for what happened wasn't planned, and I never saw it coming. I badly so wanted to talk this out. I'm waiting for my saviour in pants/skirt pick your choice.

Andrew is being a bitch at Literati. You wait one day.

ofblack&white
12:37 PM

Melancholy sweeps. At this time of night. Reminiscing. I think. The past 16+ years have past like the wind, like a motion picture. Friends come and go, some forged a deep friendship, some bit the dust. Looking back. I thought, all these years. Anyone true? No. And all along again, barriers kept hindering, and I tried alot to lower them, but no avail. Ay, that mistrust. Why? I don't want to be cheated again. I want to be a tree, swaying ever slightly to the wind, but still standing tall. What will be my leaves then, if I were a tree? Hmm.

Would it be good if I were to knock on the doors of my heart and ask them if everything is worth it? Humptydum. Maybe not. Let them rest. Hope this turmoil inside settles. And everything will be normal again.

ofblack&white
5:14 PM

A supposedly wonderful start of the holiday was spoilt by the fact that I have to go to school. What's the point of holidays we ask? 'Oh you have shorter school days.' Lol. We students ought to stuff socks into their mouths. Anyway me being suddenly inspired to run, ran four rounds and it was quite fruitful. I didn't really felt the pain with Kamelot blasting into my ears.

Math was.... exciting. You'd be as gullible as a dog if you'd believe that. Sigh. Some ant beside me kept yawning, for like 4583 times. Panda was... bit more alive that last week. Econs was getting dull. The malay boys at the back kind of entertained me. Pig symbol in ihram. Right. We managed to persuade ms Huda with sweet words to postpone the GP mock exam to Wednesday.

Aren't we good with words? Lol. Went lunching at Mac J8 with May Yee. Hahah... One lesson learnt for the day: Never eat a messy burger like McSpicy Chicken on your first date with a future boyfriend. Oh. I would so love to throw a shoe at Rizal. Him and his friend prank-called me and spoilt my lunch for a moment. You wait you. Lol. Something about me going to be suspended for vandalising walls and tables. I don't vandalise walls but... the tables are a diferent story entirely. I nearly believed them. You wait. I'll kill you!

Ah.Was slightly delirious after, giggling like earthworms, slurry words, can't really walk properly. Had a very very LAME talk with May Yee while at the bus stop. Shall shuff you down the dustbin one day. Slept like a vege in the bus, felt limp, green, tired and spineless. Scenery passed like a blur, drifted in and out of consciousness.

Study History. What life there's an essay test tomorrow as well as a quiz. Sometimes I wonder if teachers are demons in disguise, like the demons in my sleep. I shall exorcise them one day to see if its true.

ofblack&white
7:26 AM

I hate weekends. Its the fact that the whole family is around the house for long hours. We're not as upsetting as it sounds, but the tension is unbelievable. Its like having a million tightly strung wires ready to snap at any moment. I hate it here. If only that one person is not around the house, everything will be fine, just the three of us. It's always him thinking 'oh-I'm-the-fucking-king-of-the-world' that makes me wanna kick him where it hurts. Stop it already. A home is suppose to be aplace we seek refuge, not a place we hate. I can't help but think otherwise. Why is he giving me such a hard time? Why is he giving US such a hard time here? Pompous frog. If only I could squish him senseless. Poor Mum always having to bear the brunt. Maybe one day when i have enough power withing my hands, will I dare to say 'fuckoff' into his face? I might.

Just wait and see. Grr. I hate to be angry. My hands will turn cold.

ofblack&white
1:06 PM

Safety-pined my blouse button. Yep. For everything, there's a safety pin. :) Going off for some jemputan all the way to Bukit Batok, on the way maybe I can merge with the seats. Go invisible or something. Bukit Batok is soooo far.

Shuttle X is rebooting like nobody's business. I really wanna flush it down the toilet bowl, but it won't fit. Sigh. Still have to do tutorial 18 tonight. I realised that Michelles are really important in my life. Had a nice chat with one of the Michelles yesterday night. She should move to Ulu Pandan and get extremely large wheelchairs. Or join the chickens. Whichever she prefers.

Some things are just scaring me. Someone told me just now. The war is beginning soon. Or has it begun? Mere predictions? I hope so. Get this: In October/November, someone prominent, or rather just someone, will say something that will shake the world in large proportions. And next year, or earliest end of this year, the war the turmoil will begin. And marks. The End Of The World is beginning. I should be scared. Is this enough to restore the faith in me that has fade?

Think about it. I want a future. Mere predictions, I hope. America send F-16s to Iraq, God send them Katrina. They shouldn't complain. They asked for it.
May God show them the way.

ofblack&white
4:23 AM

I felt lazy to iron my blouse, so I went to school in 4J class-T. With a jacket over. Somehow my laziness spurred my creativity by 1000 fold. How lovely. Math lecture... It would be much more interesting to watch the trees grow. That teacher loves to beat around the bush. I swear the bush is as big as Australia. And in the end he didn't finish what he wanted to teach, and asked us if its ok to hold us back. HELL NO. Hahahah. Went breakfasting with Ham Michlai and Wil. Halfway Ham lost his handphone. I think a person took the handphone away. May he die a terrible death, like being knocked into the sea and drown like a fish. Ha. Poor Ham. He looked so sad. Sat at Mac for breakfast. Went walking around Heartland with Wil giving er... singing lessons. Seriously, him giving singing lessons is like having Simon teaching us how to cook.

Mugging math now. I really think I'm deprived of something simple called life.

ofblack&white
7:31 AM

Droop and droop. Gravity at work again. Eyeballs swimming across the keyboard. Such a mess. Went crazy in the morning, reading dumb postcards, smiling to myself, and giggling like earthworms. I don't know. What happened to my fourteen hours of bliss? Maybe I still owe Sleep more hours. If only I live like a bird. Free to fly, free to live, free to die.

Have yet to complete JJC comprehension and PW. If I could burn them all it would be good. But that's called running away isn't it? Went back home just now, to the DnT workshop. It felt good to be home. Dusty, the screeches of the file, buffing machine, lathe machine, squabbles, the Hitler's booms. Tk on Friday seemed so alive, like penguins. Little Pet Maz Emmi Hazi Iz all the little ones are there. Gave an... inspirational (according to them) talk to the sec4 malay girls. Inspirational? Maybe not.

Words have its way to worm itself into our mind and soul. What words can you give to make me move, what words could make me realise? I never know. Maybe words of God. But I just need something oh-so-simple for my simple mind to comprehend. I need something to motivate me. I won't die. Please.

ofblack&white
1:40 PM

My computer seemed to have a mind of its own, it shuts down by itself, but never know how to on. It only knows how to do one thing, like a little baby. Need I feed it I don't know. Need I change its dypers I don't know. It just keeps weeping, and I'm fuming. Whatever is WRONG with this ShuttleX of mine God tell me. I scanned it with F-Prot Antivirus and Ad-Aware for the 52763527476187 time and no bug/virus whatsoever. If it deletes everything of mine away again, I shall try to restrain from chucking it through the window. Killer litter some might say.

ARGH.

What am I doing up at this hour? I can't sleep again. I slept, and I awoke. With totally nothing better to do. Did Economics TYS as quick as a chipmunk. So that I can use the computer, but I realised my baby is angry. Shoudl I send it for repair again? My wallet seemed featherlight these days. I still haven't gone to dental and paid for concession. Its a sign of bankruptcy, I knew it. At the age of 17, I must be the youngest Singaporean pauper.

It felt tangly like threads in my mind, and I never bother to sort each one out. So many threads, so many knots, too much tension, everything's gonna be fried. Like wires. In my mind. Blah.

ofblack&white
4:38 PM

Ahh... All the pictures are being photoshoped. I'll think about whether to put up Faris' silly pose. Click on the picture to view a larger image...

ofblack&white
9:05 AM

Smiles as bright as the sun. I've got to meet them all yesterday. Reached SRJC when it's dark, about 6.45. Finished up Ms Huda's cookie container. The celebration was mudane, like grass growing. All they do is sing. The skit was nice though, Mr Nordin reminds me of a friend. Teacher's dresing up in uniforms? Freaky. A short celebration for Ms Huda, and the cake looks pretty. Cabbed my way to TK and the bunch of grapes was there. Happy reunion. 25765 pictures. Immortal memories. The school seems to spite us, for the DnT rooms on the 2nd floor was fucking renovated, and it looks much prettier, brighter colours, and well-furnished, cosy atmosphere. We're such camwhores.

Laughed all the way to PP and we couldn't decide. Settled for Swensons, and more pictures we took. It was funny. Fish baked rice, I missed that. Went to Classics and Mega pool but it was full. So we walked to Katong Village and we pooled there. Azi Will Dheeraj and gang were there. Plus the Victorians Justin Jun Xian and their mates. Hazel joined us soon and we hurled our normal insults. I missed that too. Walked back to PP to airhockey. That was one noisy game, with Khay's screamings and our laughter. I was sorry to leave. Parmesan cheese was umm. reached home at 7. Pooped and slept like a rock in the garden for 14 hours. How my head throbs.

Pictures will be up in the next post, after I got the whole collection. If everyday were to be like this, I would've been in heaven. I love them so. (: But would I be taking this for granted?

ofblack&white
2:50 AM